Does this really matter?

Does this matter?

IMG_4007

There are different types of weight that we carry around with us, both on the frame of our body and in our mind, heart, and soul.  Yes, there are those few extra pounds of body weight that remind us every time we step onto the scale and then there is the weight of our responsibilities, worries, and burdens that slow us down and drag behind us as we attempt to carry them through the day.  One way to lighten up our respective loads is to ask ourselves:

 Does this really matter?

This question can apply to many different things, events, and encounters throughout the day and is of greater benefit for your quality of life than simply checking to see what number shows up on the bathroom scale.  If there were a scale that quantified how heavy my heart is while carrying the various burdens and responsibilities that I lug around with me throughout the day, I would fear even stepping onto it.  Perhaps the sheer possibility to acknowledge such spirit weight would prevent me from getting out of bed in the morning. 

In an effort to lighten my spirit along with my body weight, I have begun asking, “Does this matter?  I mean, really matter?”  Here’s a good example of a recent situation where I am actively trying to turn a Yes response to this question into a No.

Yesterday, my neighbor came over to inform me that she had “accidentally” trimmed all of the beautiful green vines that laced and encircled my mailbox on my property.  I loved this entwining greenery and have admired its lushness every time I walked out to retrieve my mail.  This neighbor since moving in next door has adopted a scorched-earth policy and has been mercilessly hacking away at any living plant in her yard.  As disheartening as this has been to observe, I have accepted that it’s her yard and she can do with it as she wills.  But my property and my mailbox?  I wanted to scream!

When she came over to tell me that she had mistaken my mailbox for hers and that she had stripped away all the beautiful vines and plants to bare earth, I wanted to come completely unglued.  As I walked out to the mailbox with her so she could show me the carnage she had wrought, I had to quickly ask myself, Does this matter?  I wanted to shout, cry, and say bad words to her about the death and destruction that she has wrought on the neighborhood.  I wanted to tell her that she was a bad human being and that she had no business messing with my property.  That she had some kind of obsessive death wish on anything growing and living and that she should move to the desert.  That I was super hurt and angry.

But being a believer in the power of allowing my rational brain to catch up with my emotional brain in order to avoid an emotional hijacking, I surveyed the damage and told her that I wasn’t in a good place to talk about it at that time.  That I was going into the house to absorb.  And then gently told her to kindly stay the hell away from my property, my mailbox, and all growing plants that are between our two houses . . . and that if she had future intentions of annihilating any plants on our shared property line, to come talk with me first.  

In review, I handled the situation pretty well.  I actually delivered my message with an admirable deadpan that contained all of my frustration, hurt, and anger.  All because I paused to ask myself, “Does this matter?”  In the big scheme of life and its real global problems, the hacking away of some greenery by an obsessive neighbor is neither a global threat nor a personal tragedy.  It bugs the hell out of me, but I have to hope that I will eventually get over it and that Mother Earth will heal and replenish the victimized plants.  Amen.

One way I try to ultimately deal with annoyances of this kind and move on is to ask,

“At the end of my life, will I still be obsessing over this?”

At the end of my life, will I still be obsessing over the crazy neighbor lady with the pruning shears?  Chances are the answer is “No,” so I will let it go.  I have to let it go.  Or at least I will continue to work on letting it go.  And if I want to live an authentic life that is true to my beliefs, I have to let it go.  Otherwise my life will be predicated on another’s thoughtless actions and not on my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions.  I choose peace over strife, love over dislike, and forgiveness over a grudge.  Let the healing begin by answering, “Does this matter?”  And I send up a prayer: Please, Mother Earth send up some healing green vining shoots from this offensive massacre.  

How about you?  The next time you find yourself getting super annoyed by the daily coffee grounds scattered all over the kitchen counter by your house mate . . . does it really matter?  Or when that annoying co-worker steals the credit for your creative idea – again! – and makes it his own . . . does it really matter?  Or when you finish off that pint of chocolate ice cream at midnight while standing over the sink . . . does it really matter?  Go easy on others and on yourself.  

What is it that really matters to you?  Align yourself with your beliefs and your awareness of what they are.  Revisit them.  Journal about them.  Live them.  Share them.  Write a manifesto or a mission statement that represents your beliefs.  Know thyself and imagine yourself getting on a quantum-physics scale that weighs your spirit.  Do you want it to read “light as the air found in a bird’s hollow bone” or do you want it to read “denser than a ton of blue whale blubber”?  (No offense to the beautiful blue whales of the planet that grace our oceans with elegance and beauty, but they sure are heavy.  And the amazing thing?  They float!)  It’s your choice, your process, your control, your letting go, your destiny.  What do you want this quantum scale to read? 

When you catch yourself getting caught up in the petty, annoying, silly frustrations of life, ask yourself “Does this matter?”   If you are able to answer with a “No” and add a laugh to your answer, you just lost an immeasurable weight from your mind, heart, and soul.  Be one with your mindfulness, and do not ally yourself with another’s thoughtlessness.  Forgive and move on.  You are the ultimate recipient of any forgiveness that you are able to give. (I know.  It can feel like a hard thing to task yourself with but it’s worth your focus and effort.  Promise.)

Time for some journaling.

Be still for a moment and relax.  I mean really relax.  Sit down.  Lower your shoulders from your ears.  Empty your hands and put your hands in your lap.  Take five deep breaths. 

What matters to you?

Make a list of people, pets, qualities, things, circumstances, events, dreams . . . that matter to you.  Just go for it.  Don’t filter yourself.

Now go back through your list and circle your top three or top five or top ten, whatever circling activity that makes you happy.  Let these circled items guide your decisions, shape your beliefs, inform your reactions, and create your relationships.  Let them become the things that matter.  Embrace, nurture, and live what matters.  

a brand new year

Advertisements

Your default: Do you welcome or fear a Change of State?

flip-your-optimism-onLife has a way of grabbing my attention and reminding me daily of what’s important.  Loved ones.  Health.  Friendship.  Family.  Compassion.  Laughter.  My lovely dog companion.  Creativity.  Nutrition and exercise.  Meditation. Generosity of spirit.  Appreciation in the moment.  When I become distracted by the trivialities that numb this awareness,  I oftentimes find myself feeling confronted . . . or greeted . . . . by a Change of State.  Confronted or greeted?  How I determine Change’s perceived benevolence factor is how I shun or welcome it.

The other day I found myself frozen in a moment of experiencing a Change of State.  Frozen.  It was inevitable that a new paradigm was opening its doors to me.  And I was immobilized with fear.

The stealth speed Continue reading

A Snapshot of I Can’t Remember

celebrating or regrouping

theunseenwordsproject.com

I came across this picture the other day and am trying to remember why the heck I took it.  I didn’t take it with my phone but with my heavy, bulky, big-girl Canon . . . which further tells me that this was a special moment that I wanted to record with my “good camera.”

Weird.  I’m not sure but I think that I was celebrating, having just moved into a fantastic temporary beachfront rental for what turned out to be four exquisite months.  This transition was one of those ideas that had been on my Wish List for years: Live on the beach during the stormy winter months to write.  This recent move Continue reading

Set your default to trusting yourself.

rottweiler-869013_960_720

trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

doubt: a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction

When you compare the definitions of these two words, it is easy to see why it is much more happifying to set your personal default to trust.

Doubt is one of those feelings that leaves us second guessing ourselves into an unsettled state that only leaves us feeling even more doubtful.

Like cells that have their own growth cycle, doubt undergoes different phases or stages. As cells multiply, there are checkpoints at the end of each stage of growth to make sure that the last stage is fully completed before moving to the next stage.

When we find ourselves at the end of a growth cycle or at one of life’s crossroads, let your checkpoints be governed by trust, not doubt.  

Questions of doubt:

Should I accept the new job offer?  

Should I move across the country to a town where no one knows me?  

Should I adopt a new pet?  

Should I go back to school?  

Should I break up with my boyfriend?  

Should I . . . ?  Notice how all of these doubts are foreshadowed by should.  

Re-frame with statements of trust

What if we were to re-frame these same questions with statements of trust? Notice what happens when you replace should with am and will:  

I am ready to start a new career.  

I am brave enough to go on a moving adventure.  

My life will be so enriched by adopting a new pet.  

By returning to school, I will learn so many amazing things.  

I am ready to honor my own preferences and become independent.  

Give doubt a shovel and it will bury your hopes and scatter your strength.  It is far more harmful and damaging than we give it credit for.  As we spend time doubting, we spin our wheels and allow opportunities to breeze by . . . even when they are exactly what we have been hoping to meet.  We think that by doing nothing, we are honoring our preferences . . . but are we?  Are we truly?

A Positive Challenge:

The next time you hear yourself doubting yourself or prefacing a sentence with I should or I shouldn’t, maybe you are merely at the end of a growth cycle and you find yourself at one of life’s checkpoints.  Please, be kind to yourself for feeling a little uneasy about launching yourself into the next growth stage.  It’s natural to wonder about the possibilities at these checkpoints.  Take a deep breath, eradicate any and all doubt, and replace it with a Trust Statement.  Say it out loud.  And repeat it as needed.  Imagine what life would look like and feel like if you trusted yourself more than you doubted yourself.

As my mentor Scott would say: You’ve got this!

 

Capture some happiness and share it with your best friend.

so-cute

Is there anything cuter than this puppy?  I think that this little guy is absolutely adorable.

How can something so cute not put a smile in your heart today?  

We are so fortunate to have such giving and loving animals in our lives.  Our hearts are expanded by the love that we share with such faithful, loyal, and beautiful creatures. Today, take a moment to let your special buddy know that you appreciate the smile that they put in your heart.

Capture some happiness and share it with your best friend.

The Plate Tectonics of Blame & Regret

life-is-a-reflectionI recently took one of those online quizzes that is designed to assess Who You Are and Where You Are At.  These were my quiz results: “Your results indicate you must stop blaming yourself.  It’s not your fault.  Your thoughts and feelings are simply disconnected creating Stuck feelings.”  

I like the gentle reminder that these encouraging words impart.  And I wonder how many other people received exactly this same message.  In other words, do these “results” hold true for everyone on the planet?  Or am I the only one who is feeling the disconnect of thoughts and feelings?

You must stop blaming yourself.

This is much easier said than done.  There is always going to be some second guessing going on in life that is going to lead you to blame yourself.  So many things.  A bad decision you made.  A time when you zigged when you should have zagged.  Words that slipped out of your mouth like thirsty little toads seeking a water source.

A detour that you should have taken instead of charging ahead into those warning signs of danger.  A job that you declined.  A house that you bought.  A health decision you made.  A lover you chose.  A friend that you trusted.  A horse that you bet on.

Self-blame.  What is it exactly?  Self-assigning responsibility for things that you have said or done doesn’t sound like such a bad thing.  After all, I am responsible for my own stuff, right?  But blame goes beyond this when you dwell on it, feel horrible about it, and then do nothing about it.  It’s okay to give yourself permission to stop blaming yourself when you take thoughtful responsibility and attempt to rectify the wrong that you have committed with compassion and empathy.  You can apologize.  You can ask for an opportunity to re-frame your thoughts in different words.  You can give someone a hug.  You can back up and try it all over again. You can ask for a pardon.  You can ask if you can try to make it right.  You can write a letter.  You can bake banana bread.  You can be patient and allow the other person time to feel angry or hurt.

And the effects of prolonged self-blame?   Prolonged self-blame quickly reduces to an ongoing state of regret.  We become mired in our own selfish thoughts of how badly we feel.  This, in turn, focuses the original action or words solely on us and robs us of the chance to make it right.

We might blame ourselves for something rash that we did or something foolish that we said . . . but to continue blaming ourselves over and over and over?  This is where blame evolves into regret. And it doesn’t take much imagination to understand that regret is joyful living’s natural assassin.  Regret robs us of any opportunity to be brave and to do the right thing.  There are certainly things that we are responsible for that are tough to make right.  But that doesn’t mean that we should stop trying.  This is where we call upon our Brave to kick into action.  It is a brave soul who can admit that he or she was in the wrong. This is not stuff for sissies.

It’s not your fault.

But isn’t it?  Isn’t it my fault?  No one held a weapon to my head while I said those hurtful things or made that bad decision.  There was no little cartoon devil on my shoulder urging me to max out my credit card buying heels and boots.  If it’s not my fault, then whose is it?

Fault is one of those concepts that gets tossed about with little regard.  It’s a hungry ghost that rides the backs of air molecules and never really lights.  It gets tossed about, bandied about, and argued about.  It gets assigned to others in nilly-willy ways and has no substance.

It’s true that if we accept the toss that’s aimed at us and we catch it, fault will linger for a while.  And maybe it is our fault to begin with, right?  But to carry it about will only lead to us, ultimately, sinking beneath the weight, most often forcing us to toss it to someone else to carry for a while.

Shift happens. 

If we are going to talk about the word fault, I prefer to think in geologic terms and plate tectonics.  A fault, geologically speaking is a situation where the earth’s crust has been stretched and faulted to the point that rift valleys form.  Imagine having two sections of your soul, Blame and Regret, moving relative to each other.  This action causes us to become stretched and faulted to the point that rift valleys form in our spirits and souls, creating chasms and pockets that become too dangerous to explore.  Dangerous because one never knows when there may be yet another seismic shift between the two relative forces.

Is there a better way to deal with the Plate Tectonics of our soul?  Understand that Fault Lines exist.  Be a scientist, measure, and plan for catastrophe accordingly.  Keep away from the the edge of the plates when possible.  Move inland to safer ground.  Take a deep breath and hope for stability.  Fault.  It does no one any good.  But it’s there, so be smart.  And if shift happens?  Channel that energy into something positive.

Your thoughts and feelings are simply disconnected . . .

Well, now.  This is something that feels like familiar ground.  Nothing newsworthy here.

Yes.  My thoughts and feelings become disconnected.  This is not an uncommon occurrence.  But now what?  What’s next?  By taking this little quiz, I have implicated myself into wanting to better myself . . . to make my life better.  So what’s going to help me to re-connect my thoughts and my feelings?  How do I go about planning the big reunion?  I think part of the answer is in Un-creating Stuck Feelings.

. . . creating Stuck feelings.

Stuck is as stuck does.  Like love, debt, and what shoes to wear today, Stuck-ness is a decision.  Making a decision is a mental activity.  Making a decision makes the Stuck feelings go away.  There is some magic in this . . . magic that involves you feeling inspired to make the decision to be Un-Stuck.

My best self-advice when I am feeling stuck?  

Deep breaths.  Think.  Meditate.  Dance.  Call a friend.  Be mindful.  Breathe life’s goodness into my soul.  And above all: Try something new.  Albert Einstein is famously quoted for saying: Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.  He also said, Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

You can’t stay stuck if you aren’t standing still.  Try something new.  Say something kind to a stranger.  Dance like a goof.  Join a marimba band.  Say you are sorry and make an action that shows it.  Take the risk of making a mistake that, yes, might create even more self-blame and stuck feelings.

Like trying to get the stubborn lid off of a jar when you have wet hands, it ain’t going to happen until you take a moment to dry your hands. Tap the jar lid a few times with a knife.  Run some hot water over the metal lid.  Get out your handy-dandy Cap Snaffler.  Do something.  And you’ll get the lid off of the jar and, with any cosmic blessing, you’ll reconnect your thoughts and feelings into a better place and allow yourself to see a kinder reflection when you look around you.

life-is-a-reflection

What’s in your complaint box?

834px-complaint_department_grenadeWhat’s in your complaint box?  Any chance of turning those complaints around and thinking of them as blessings?

I’ve been doing an experiment.  Every day I write down as many things that I can think of from the day under the heading: Good Things That Happened Today.  It isn’t hard to think of things.  As with anything in life — when you pause to take an inventory — there is much more going on than that which skims the surface.

After I finish my Good Things list, I then write as many things that I can think of under the heading: My Takeaways on Life in the Current Moment.  When I pause to think of My Takeaways, all sorts of good things start to burble forth — things that hitherto felt like an obstacle or a challenge or a frustration.  It’s like magic.  The weird stuff suddenly starts to transform into a better place.

For example, imagine that you are making an offer to purchase what you perceive to be your Dream Home.  And we’re talking Dream Home, people.  You are convinced that this house is It.  It is exactly what you want to buy and to live in for the rest of your life — or at the very least the next decade.  In your Good Things list, you write: I made an offer on my Dream Home today!!!!!

But then life intervenes.  Another offer comes in on the same day as yours, but $10,000 higher than your offer.  And to make matters worse for you, their financing is in perfect order.  Guess whose offer gets accepted?  You feel bummed!  That was your house!  Not theirs!  

The days pass and you search for things to put down on your Good Things list.  You might even write under Takeaways: I learned that it is best to remove such high emotion from a business deal.  Something like this.  But then.  Something really crazy happens.  You read about an opportunity to go to Ireland and serve as an intern at this amazing art school.  It’s your dream!!  You apply.  You get accepted.  Guess what?  You’re going to Ireland for a full year!  Woot!

This adventure gets listed under Good Things.  In addition to recording this adventure to Ireland on your list, you write, I‘m so glad that that house deal fell through!  Thank you!!! on the line directly below your entry about the Ireland opportunity.  You see the correlation so clearly.  In fact — even better yet — you feel the correlation and you experience an understanding that calms your soul and quells your frustrations about the house deal falling through.  All is right with the world and you marvel at how things just work out!

You get the idea.  The seemingly bad breaks that occur in life have all the potential to set us up for something even better.  You just have to be looking.  Be aware.  Be open to seeing the “bad stuff” as “potential good stuff.”  That there are Takeaways, if you only look.  Life events aren’t always easy to dissect into lists, but I find that if I really stretch and embrace both the Good Things and the Takeaways . . . I learn a lot about me and how I can be happy in the flow of the present moment.

How about you?  Do you want to join me in my Good Things/Takeaway challenge?  If you want a PDF to download to get you started, just submit your email address and I’ll send it to you.  It’s fun to turn things around to a place that allows you to embrace that which seemed like such a bummer.

As for me?  Well, I thought that it was going to be smooth and perfect sailing as I prepared to go forth to Ireland . . . but the art internship fell through — something about something occurred, which meant I wasn’t going away to Ireland for a year.

Now, this unwelcome news certainly wasn’t expected, but I am learning as a result of my daily lists.  Instead of listing the loss of my Ireland trip in my Takeaway list, I recorded it immediately in my Good Things list.  After all, I am learning about this life stuff in a new way that is changing my mind and my heart.  I know that something good is happening right now . . . and I am trimming the unexpected starboard list of the boat that I thought was set to sail for Ireland.  It’s a good thing that there were life rafts on that boat!

And I am ready for the next adventure.

Who knows what’s next?  I don’t.  Be it a Good Thing or a Takeaway, I am learning that what works best is for me to be open.  To understand that I don’t have a bird’s-eye view of every little piece that has been set in motion.  To be me and to be happy and to have a light heart.  To stop complaining and to start paying better attention.