experience

When Encouraging Words Are Actually Discouraging

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

black leaf in sand and gravel beach

Have encouraging words ever served to utterly discourage you?

Like when you are saturated in “Just Keep Breathing” Survival Mode, you can’t look beyond the immediate present moment of “what is.”   And that “what is” just doesn’t feel all that great.  No matter how hard you try to put a positive and enlightened  spin on the situation, life feels like it pretty much sucks.

You are down and feeling like bad karma has taken over your life.  You are in the doldrums and stuck in idle.  Your friends and family know it.  And they feel for you.  They go into Encouragement Mode, or worse yet, Coach Mode, and they offer pep talks, platitudes, and well-intended reality checks.  Their support is so lovely.  You know that they are trying and you appreciate their concern.  But it still feels like the encouraging words actually serve more as a reminder of how bad things are in your life.

If you have been in this place, you know that what you are feeling goes way beyond feeling sorry for yourself.  You aren’t just stuck.  You are buried.

When life isn’t so hot

Not so long ago, I was going through some really challenging financial, emotional, professional, personal, and academic times.  I was going to school full-time, trying to sell the dream home that I had just finished restoring, going through a really yucky break-up, working four ill-suited, part-time jobs, and trying to negotiate house showings with an insane work schedule and three dogs.

I had to rush home from work each time a prospective buying agent called, so that I could take my dogs out for what felt to be marathon walks through the neighborhood while possible buyers viewed the house.  One of the three dogs was enjoying his retirement years and couldn’t really walk very far, so we four would oftentimes go sit on a bus bench up the street to wait out the showing.  Buses would pull up to the stop, mistaking my wave for them to keep going as an invitation to stop. They would pull up and shout at me like I was half a bubble out of plumb, “You can’t bring those dogs on the bus!”  “I know, I know,” I would tell them and wave them on.  The door would hiss shut and the bus would puff off in a plume of exhaust.  All I can say is this was a really low time of my life for me and for my dogs.

When friends think they are helping . . . but they’re not.

I remember the time my friend Mary was going on and on about her three-week vacation on the beaches of Mexico.  I was happy for Mary, but midway through viewing an insanely-long slide show of her pictures, I realized that Mary was the farthest thing from being in tune with me as a friend.  Maybe even as a human being.  I didn’t — and don’t — fault her for any of this (we are still friends) but her parting words that night of “Don’t worry, Dear.  You are going to get through all of this” meant so little to me.  In fact, they only served to discourage me.

It’s the little things . . . and the big things

50 bill.jpgI couldn’t help but think back to my old friend Donnalyn who stopped by my house one day to see me when I wasn’t home.  She left an envelope on my front porch, and in the envelope was $50 cash with a note saying, “I’ve been where you are.  After my divorce, I didn’t think I was going to be able to figure it all out.  You are going to make it.”

Donnalyn.  What an amazing and compassionate and empathizing friend.  And I can’t emphasize this enough: It wasn’t the money.  It could have been $1 or $0, and it would have meant just the same.  Donnalyn understood the struggle.  She had been there.  She knew what Panic Mode felt like in the midst of Survival Mode.  I will never forget her gesture of kindness, generosity, and empathy.

Empathy in action

Thinking about Donnalyn makes me realize that there comes a time when I need to put some action into my words of encouragement.  Saying I love you or You’ve got this is great but being of service is maybe even a little bit better.

It is the Little Things in life and there are so many Little Things that I can do.  Every little thing makes a difference, and the little actions carry a LOT of impact.  Offer your washing machine to a friend whose washer broke down.  Like and share a friend’s new blog to encourage her writing.  Drive a family member to his or her doctor appointment.  Scrub the floors for your sister who is returning from surgery.  Vacuum your partner’s car.  Clean the hideous microwave in the break room.  Help someone figure out how to upload photos to his computer.  Leave a little note of encouragement on the table at the coffee shop for the next person who is going to sit there.

When your new paradigm is Survival Mode

I was talking on the phone with my one of my best friends, Birdie, who is experiencing a major paradigm shift, and I asked her if she ever felt like this.  Birdie just graduated and is starting a new business.  She said the she, too, felt as if her life is in Survival Mode while she gets everything up and running.

Birdie told me, “People have been so nice, but I sometimes feel unworthy of the encouragement.  I don’t feel like I have the resources to take them up on their advice — which is all really good — and make things happen, so it sometimes feel like I am wasting other people’s energy when they are being so encouraging.”

This is so honest.  It made me think back to my Epic Life Meltdown and how I felt exactly the same as her.  Birdie’s words really resonate with me.  There is a difference between feeling sorry for yourself and Real.  Birdie’s experience is Real.  She knows that, ultimately, she is going to build her practice and that some of the bumps are eventually going to smooth out . . . but in the meantime?  I try to listen, and we do fun things together.  It’s the little things.  I think of Donnalyn and her $50, and I try to transfer that same $50-intention into Real for someone else.  I knew that my Birdie’s phone was no longer holding a charge, so I ordered her a new battery on Amazon and had it shipped to her house.  Once her phone was all charged up with the new battery, she called me.  She laughed and said that it has made such a difference not having to conduct business while being plugged into the wall.

No one will know unless you share.

And on the other side of this . . . tell people how they can help you.  You don’t have to go on a marathon downward spiral about how broke you are or how awful your relationship is in order to convey what is going on.  Sometimes we are admonished by the positive intenders in our lives saying that we need to stay away from negative talk . . . but how can people help if we don’t share our Real?

As for that crazy Survival-Mode scenario in the past . . . Well, the house sold, I graduated, I ultimately embraced the release of a bad relationship, I gradually let go of each job in lieu of one single job with the standard benefits, and I started to catch a rhythm of sorts.  I started to play music again and the dogs, as they always do, adapted happily to their new home.  No more marathon walks for lovely old Mac!   I was able to breathe a bit more easily within my Real, which was no longer hitting the door to my soul with a SWAT team’s battering ram.

The funny part: That was then.  This is now. Life took yet another epic turn, by my choosing, and I am reconstructing several pieces that have flown off the proverbial bus.  I am using baling wire, paper clips, and duct tape to keep things running, but I am getting there.  I have come to learn that I am pretty good at making the best with what I have on hand.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

How about you?  Are you in Survival Mode?

  • Share your situation with someone who you can trust to really listen.  Ask for input as to what he or she is hearing you say.
  • Reframe your feelings with new words that steer you in a more positive direction.  Even if you have to stretch the truth of your reality a bit, use words that set your thinking in a new light of positivity.  Not always easy, I know.
  • Keep your heart open to friends, family, and colleagues who might be struggling.  Give them a hug.  Ask them how they are doing.  Listen.
  • Take action — for others and for yourself.  Look for ways to surprise and delight someone who is feeling a burden.  Remember, it’s the little and the big things.
  • Be kind.  Be positive.  Be hopeful.  Know that, like an EKG line, life has its ups and its downs.  No one wants to live on a flat line.
  • Go with the flow and smile.  Looking for the happy in life is a lot more fun than accepting the overwhelm.

Author bio: Kennedy Farr’s passion for writing caught light at the age of four when she first learned how to spell her name at a yellow kitchen table on a sheet of lined tablet paper.  Kennedy is a daily writer and blogger, a lifelong learner, and a true believer that something wonderful is happening right now in this very moment.  Kennedy lives high on the mountainside of an emerald-green island in the Pacific Northwest.

Website: https://theunseenwordsproject.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/theunseenwords

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/The-Unseen-Words-Project-1095815913825818/ 

 

 

 

 

Re-writing Your Stuck Spot

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment
car stuck in snow

This looks so miserable!

I was listening to a meditation recording of Deepak Chopra’s the other night.  Deepak said one thing that caused me to stop the recording, rewind, replay, and rewind it again.  He was talking about how our stuck spots in our lives are revealed by repetitive thoughts, feelings, and statements.  In other words, if you find yourself complaining or talking about the same thing over and over, the chances are this is one of your stuck spots.

tuning fork IIThis truly struck a chord of sublime resonance with me.  I felt completely busted — in a good way.  It made me realize that rather than ignore or abolish these stuck spots in my life, maybe it was time to use them, like throwing down kitty litter behind a spinning tire in the snow, to gain some new traction: in other words, re-write my Repetitive (and oftentimes boring) Statements into Rev-Up Statements.

I next decided that it was time for a little qualitative research of my personal gripes.  I created a journal chart so that I could really look at what is going on.  Every time I talked to a friend or family member or even a co-worker and heard myself complaining about the same old-same old, I wrote the topic down in one of the boxes on the left.  In some boxes, I wrote down what I said verbatim.  Other topics were such a random rant, I summarized the general idea.

My epiphany is two fold: The Good News is that I am not a totally-chronic complainer.  Whew!  Yay for not being an incessant whiner!   The Bad News?  I have some serious and consistent Stuck Spots that are definitely holding me back from feeling fulfilled, happy, and fruitful.

spinning-top-1312042_960_720Next, I re-wrote my rants with a positive spin that was designed to get me up and going again.  No more Stuck Spots!  Putting the positive spin on things required ACTION on my part.  I had to visualize and implement alternatives to just spinning into a deeper and messier rut.  The great news is that I felt empowered by my own personal recognition of This isn’t good anymore.  I want different.  I caught myself and verbally stopped myself from launching into Rant Mode.  It felt great!  And I am guessing that my friends and family think that it is pretty nice, too!  There is nothing like a broken record to put someone to sleep.  It generates white noise that blocks a lively conversation exchange from taking place.  Friends and family, I am trying to exercise new awareness!

With the ongoing research, I have been Paying Attention and there are definitely a few topics that are still holding me a wee bit stuck.  Now?  Rather than ignore them or stuff them into some spiritual drawer or closet, I am airing them out, hanging them on the wall, and slapping a new coat of paint on them.

I realized: Why not?  I have learned that it does no good to ignore stuck spots or to bury them or to walk away from them as if they don’t really matter.  To do so only invites passive-aggressive moments into my relationships — which then only serve to create newer and deeper and stuck-er Stuck Spots.  Why not call them out, view them, and like the grand master painters, slap some new paint over the top and create something new and beautiful?  That’s the beauty of creating a masterpiece.  Sometimes they are considered to be even more valuable when there are hidden paintings beneath the one that we can see.

vintage-binocularsThe great part?  This process works!  I have been catching myself as I spin myself deeper into some repetitive statement . . . and I have been stopping myself right there.

Let’s take the topic of work for an example.  Let’s say that you don’t feel appreciated at work.  You have been ignored for two promotions and your boss is utterly ineffective — late, sloppy, and unmotivated.  He doesn’t take care of emails and he is lousy at following through on decisions — often leaving you hanging with your projects that have looming deadlines.  You have complained, griped, and kvetched about this to your friends, your family, and even your dog.

Why not re-write this stuck spot?  Be creative.  There are so many things that we can do when we feel stuck.

  1. Think about one nice trait about your dog the next time your boss does something that drives you batty.  (Silly, I know . . . but the thought of my dog always makes me happy!)
  2. Bring your resume up to speed.  Start shopping it online and to associates.
  3. Laugh.  It truly doeth good like a medicine.
  4. Watch a cute youtube video.
  5. Offer to take on more responsibility at work AND, at the same time ask your boss for a raise.  It can’t hurt to ask.
  6. Put a pencil horizontally between your upper and lower teeth.  Research has shown that by imitating a smile, the Smile Muscles release the same good stuff to your brain.  Try it  . . . it works!
  7. Write one positive affirmation in the present tense and tape it on the wall where you can readily see it.
  8. Go for a super quick walk around the building.  Movement helps.
  9. Close the door on your office (or even the bathroom stall) and do an insanely goofy happy dance.  I guarantee you will crack up.Take yourself out after work.  Go for a beverage of some kind and get out your laptop and google baseball stats, fashion advice, new employment sites . . . your choice!
  10. And . . . click on the heart-warming and life-changing aqua-blue link below for your free download of today’s journal prompt: “Your Stuck Spot.”  Happy journaling!

Your Stuck Spot. journal prompt

Brian-Tracy-Quote

quotesgram.com

 

Your Happiness Criteria: What do you need to raise your Happiness Quotient?

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

Albert Einstein wrote, “A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?”

Being one who enjoys clutter and chaos while in the throes of creativity, I respect Einstein’s answer very much.   The simplicity of his words speaks to me and inspires me to take a moment to reflect. What does a man need to be happy?

There is a tremendous amount of research being done on happiness, attitude, emotional intelligence, and mindfulness.  It is amazing what is being discovered about how important our Happiness Factor is in our lives.  But what is your Happiness Quotient?  What have you done lately to increase your HQ?

We try to define or measure our sense of success using several different factors, but what is it in your life that critically determines your sense of long-term satisfaction and self-fulfillment?

Does being happy require you to take phenomenal risks in order for you to feel alive and active on your pathway to success?  Or can living a happy life be more analytical or more structured than this?  Can you structure happiness into your life?

Being one who has lived life through radically-different career changes, lifestyles, and academic pursuits, I sometimes find myself at the end of the day wondering where I am going next.  What is the new plan?  What’s next?  What do I want to study now?  Which new instrument do I want to learn how to play?  Which novel should I work on today?  With all of this spontaneity and creativity that governs my days, I sometimes experience a let-down.  When I am skipping a beat, doubt can settle in.  I hear a certain quote by Lewis Carroll playing a haunting melody in my soul: “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

Well, life is not all about career success and job titles and dollar bills and tropical vacations.  There are many dimensions in life that play a large role in our personal assessment of success.  Our relationships, our spiritual life, our sense of growing and contributing, our personal achievements that we share with others – all play a vital role in our happiness factor.

What makes you happy?  What is key in your life that leads to your happiness?  I once read a great article on “Happiness Criteria” which steered me away from my modus operandi of spontaneously and serendipitous-ly (and what can sometimes feel to be senselessly) seeking happiness.  While there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of this, the thought of creating a criteria for success and happiness gave me pause and inspired some more concerted thinking and action with a focus on what generates happiness in my life and on what happiness means to me today.

In other words, what am I doing to raise my Happiness Quotient (HQ)?

One thought: make a list of Happiness Criteria that critically determine your HQ.

For example . . .

Some things that popped up for me, in no particular order of priority, are

  1. A flexible schedule
  2. Can bring my dog to work
  3. Time for travel
  4. Creative expression in my work
  5. Helping others to grow and to create solutions
  6. Time to exercise
  7. Time for loved ones
  8. Great pay

As you can well imagine, everyone’s list is going to read quite uniquely.  I once asked a group of students how many hours they would want to work in their ideal work week.  I was simply stunned by the number of students who wrote “40 hours” as their answer.  They asked me what my ideal work week was, and I told them “8 – 12 hours.”  They laughed and thought I was joking, but . . . I wasn’t.  My happiness criteria demands that I have time to volunteer, create, exercise, dance, be with my family and friends, etc.  Have I worked 40 hours a week?  Yes.  Was I happy?  Yes.  Would I be happier if I worked my 8 – 12 hours?  YES!

And how many of your criteria are non-negotiable?

For example, having a flexible schedule is non-negotiable to my happiness, but being able to bring my dog to work is negotiable.  If my schedule is flexible enough, there will be enough companionship time at the park and on the trails with my dog.

 

Click on the aqua-blue link below to download your free journal prompt: Your Happiness Criteria.  This prompt has some fun and revealing questions about you and how you choose to be happy and to implement happiness criteria in order to raise your Happiness Quotient (HQ).

Happiness Criteria. journal prompt

What do you think?  Has listing your Happiness Criteria helped you to focus on what is important to you?   On what makes you feel happy?  For some of us, these are not simple questions to answer; still, in my heart, I believe that the answers are vivid and clear.  My Higher Self knows what contributes to my happiness.  Taking time to think on these things and to let my intuition rule inspires me to grow in new directions.  To stay open to coincidence.  To appreciate the people in my life who want me to grow.  To appreciate the joy in laughter.

For all of this, I feel deep appreciation.toaster oven

 

 

 

 

The Meaning in the Count: Making Life a Noncount Noun

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

IMG_3357Numbers.

When I really stop to think, my Conscious Day is spent counting.  It starts out with counting and it ends with counting.  Minutes left on my snooze alarm.  Pounds on the bathroom scale.  Dollars in my checking account.  Minutes before I have to leave for work.  Pages completed on my writing project.  Calories.  Fat grams.  Minutes.  Hours.  Shots of coffee.  Pieces of toast.  Am I the only one who is consumed with and by counting?

Counting and measuring and weighing.  Reality dictates that I take care of my health and that I maintain a healthy weight.  That I pay my bills on time.  That I be punctual at work. That I move my dream project forward.  That I hold myself to some level of accountability concerning my food choices.  That I caffeine-ate fully and properly each morning.  That I try to stay under the speed limit when I am running late for work.  That I care about things in life that involve the measuring and weighing by number.

I know me.  Without counting, life would be a free-for-all that does not allow for any accountability to myself or to others.  While I think on this, I search for the value, the meaning in the count.  We have all wrestled with the concept of weighing quality over quantity.  But even here . . . we are still measuring and weighing the benefits.  We are taught to think that quality is more important than quantity.  But still.  Like the little girl that would rather have five pennies over one nickel, there are areas in my life where I tend to shoot for quantity.

Quantity in my hand.  Quality of the moment.  Where is the Real Value in the midst of the day and its ticking clock?  Daily, I put my day on pause for five minutes of meditation.  Are these five minutes worth more than five minutes spent watching silly videos on youtube? Research tells me that, yes, meditation is so good for us on so many levels.  And I will continue to take those five to reset my inner self.  But why do we judge ourselves so harshly when we aren’t doing that which is “good for us”?  Yes, I know that I can lose that final ten pounds, but is it worth beating myself up each time I get on the scale?  Am I really going to care, one way or the other, once I hit that Maui beach in December?  After all, it’s difficult to be hard on yourself when you are living in paradise.

But being a linguist, I very much like the semantics that extend beyond grammatical agreements.  For example, we English speakers agree to add the letter -s to most nouns to make them plural.  Lest we get into the exceptions such as person/people, tooth/teeth, mouse/mice, and ox/oxen, we can agree that adding the letter -s to a noun will signify that we dealing with the Concept of More Than One.

And then there are those tricky count and noncount nouns and their plural forms or lack therein.  According to the Purdue OWL, The Basic Rules for count and noncount nouns are as follows:

A count noun is one that can be expressed in plural form, usually with an “s.” For example, “cat—cats,” “season—seasons,” “student—students.” A noncount noun is one that usually cannot be expressed in a plural form. For example, “milk,” “water,” “air,” “money,” “food.” Usually, you can’t say, ‘He had many moneys’ . . . 

Count nouns refer to things that exist as separate and distinct individual units. They usually refer to what can be perceived by the senses.  Noncount nouns refer to things that can’t be counted because they are thought of as wholes that can’t be cut into parts. They often refer to abstractions and occasionally have a collective meaning. 

best when freshThere is simply so much cool stuff going on there.  Quantity vs. quality.  Count vs. noncount.   We think of a life — a count noun — and we count the number of lives on the planet.  But when we think of our our own life?    We think “in terms of wholes that can’t be cut up into pieces.”  It’s one whole life.   It’s my life!  And like grass, rice, and money . . . we don’t actually cut our own life up into pieces . . . even when we think in terms of annual events such as birthdays and anniversaries.  It’s all one big whole that we truly prefer not to relegate to the Noun Category of Count.  We want to make it count in the ways that are important . . . not in some grammatical or statistical way.

There is counting . . . and then there is making life count.  As I go through the days and I count and I measure the pluralizations that I prioritize . . . I wonder.  I wonder about the importance of quotas at work and pounds on the scale and hits on my website.  I wonder about making my life count.  So much to wonder about.  Thank God that wonder is a verb in this context.  Otherwise, I would be inclined to start counting the many wonders in the world around me.

IMG_2800My advice to self:  Just live and give it your best in the moment.  You’ve got this.  While I appreciate the concepts of mindfulness and how important it is to be aware and to be positive, there is more.  There is life as a noncount noun.  It’s okay to count the little things as long as I remember the bigger picture.  And sometimes it is so hard to keep sight of this enormous, huge, ginormous Universe of which I am but a tiny speck.

I think I answered my own Life Question About Counting.  Stop counting.  And when I do count — which I will surely continue to do — I will try to do so with wild abandon and appreciation for the abundance within life’s “separate and distinct individual units.”

For the next time someone asks you at a party: “So, what do you do?”

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

val cuteYou’re at a party and you really don’t know anyone there.  You came because someone from your professional networking group invited you.  He tells you that it will be a great way to meet new people.  You are doing your best to “mingle” and make polite conversation.  On the inside you feel awkward and out of place and are wondering when you can make a move for the nearest exit.

While you are making small talk, what is the first question that people ask you after they learn your name?

“So.  Tell me.  What is it that you do?”

If you feel like you are never quite sure how to answer this in a way that reveals who you truly are, watch this video.  It is so sweet and simple, and Adam Leipzig simply nails it.  Leipzig’s explanation of how to discover your life purpose goes beyond writing your average elevator pitch.  It digs down deep and helps you discover what it is you want to do to help others.

Knowing your life purpose is important.  And sharing it with others is essential.  Connecting with others based on the sharing of your dreams, goals, and passions builds empathy and encourages others to do the same.  Living your purpose creates a  “knowing”  in your life that fuels you along life’s timeline.  It feels good and right and also makes a difference in the world around you.  This video is short and well worth the time you spend watching it.

Awesome TED talk: How to Know Your Life Purpose in 5 Minutes

After I watched this TED talk, I created a journal prompt for my students so that they could explore, discover, and be ready to share their respective life purposes.   Just click on the aqua-blue link below for your Life Purpose prompt.  It is best if you watch this short TED talk first, so you get the most out of the exercise.  Have fun re-kindling a connection with your life purpose!  [Click on link below]

Your Life Purpose.journal prompt

Life is a lively event.  And it is short.  

Make the most out of your journey by discovering and living your life purpose.

Oh, and please do share you life purpose with the rest of us in the comments section!  

We would love to hear what this video inspired!

Turning a Noun into a Verb

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

IMG_3390Lest this become a lesson in the grammatical usage of gerunds and participles, I believe that there is more to this way of thinking: passion = noun –> verb.  As in so many components of life and relationships, there is a heck of a lot of semantics attached to the way we speak, think, and act.

This might be a matter best left to a linguistical convention . . . but still. When a kind-of-weird thought speaks, I listen. And, within this thought, I found myself searching for some hidden meanings of life that go beyond the eight parts of speech.

What I discovered is that it is easy for me to think of a verb — an action or a state of being — that I associate with my passions, interests, and hobbies . . . and most of them are gerund-nouns: writing, playing mandolin, reading, gardening, painting, etc.  And I can just as easily use these gerunds as participle verbs: I have been playing the mandolin for many years.  I am writing in my office right now.  This sort of thing.  Gerund/verb: writing/writing.

I realized that it is easier for me to think of the verb part — the doing or the being part — and harder to think of the noun part — the “thing” inside of me that drives me to pursue the interests that require no conscious thought . . . I simply do them because . . . I don’t exactly know.

It  is almost as if there is an iconic part — a noun or a symbol or a talisman factor — within us that inspires us to skateboard or ski or play trombone or get a degree in chemistry or write or play roller derby or get a pilot’s license or cut and paste paper into beautiful creations.  I am thinking that some thing that can’t really be put into any part of speech within me that calls me to action.  What do you think?

What’s your noun?  Your icon?  _______________

Please, share your noun with the rest of us.

My noun: typewriter

typewriter.jpg

 

Allen Wrenches & Due Diligence

/ Kennedy Farr / 2 Comments
moving

Whew. Almost done!

It has been a few weeks since moving in to my new home, so I decided to drag out the last of the last and unpack some of the final boxes that have been cluttering the living room.  I set a goal.  I was determined not to stop my efforts until at least three of the offending boxes were distributed and emptied.

These remaining boxes are those that are filled with the unsorted and the unwanted semi-useful things you discover you have at the end of any move . . . things like salsa jars of nails and screws, odd assortments of pens, paper clips, and rubber bands, virgin flat sponges awaiting the magical release of hydration.  Headsets that may or may not function, mystery remote controls, loose buttons, loose batteries that might work so you best keep them.  Plastic cutlery, paper doilies for making Valentines, a voice recorder with no corresponding USB cord, candles, napkin rings.  And those dratted twist ties.  Why do we save so damn many twist ties?

You know the mix.  Stuff that doesn’t really “go with” any of the other “themed” boxes at the tail end of a move.  Stuff that we call “junk” but feel compelled to move with us. Stuff that we throw into boxes as the carpet cleaner is arriving, all while chanting to self, I will survive this move!

IMG_2812

And so it begins . . .

After such an epic move, three boxes isn’t so much.  Victory would be mine today.  I started with Box #1.  But lo.  Midway down in the box I found an unassembled Desktop Foosball Table in its glossy unopened box.  What a waste to not be having fun with this, I thought.  This foosball table was a gift from someone who loves me, who knows how I love foosball, who wants me to have fun in life.  I decided that it was time, right then and there, to do something that I never do: assemble something on the spot. By myself.  Drop everything and just do it.  My unpacking screeched to a stop.  It was time to assemble.

I am one of those personality types who does not read directions.  When I get a new phone or fancy appliance, I conscientiously file its new manual neatly with the others from various small and large appliances — in the event of dysfunctional emergency.

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Yikes!  There are a lot of pieces!

Truth, I think I am directions-phobic.  I know that it must sound weird, but when I start reading directions, I stress.  My stomach knots up, and I feel panic-y.  Why?  I don’t know. I have the native intelligence to read and comprehend the required steps.  Still, it feels more intuitive for me to find my way, experientially so, than by reading that tiny, tiny print in the directions.

I remember the towel bar that I put up in the bathroom.  I was so proud of the initial efforts: buying it at the harware store.  I borrowed a drill from a colleague and found a level in the garage.  I then spent untold perfection-istic algebraic minutes trying to perfectly level the bar by performing algebraic feats of ratios, circumferences, and order of operations . . . only to find, when cleaning up my mess, that there were clear directions in the box with a handy-dandy paper guide that you tape to the wall — which would have made everything so much easier in the leveling process.

Instead, I solved my equations, measured, leveled, and drilled.  I persevered.  Three new and unnecessary holes dotting the wall later, the bar was finally mounted . . . quite level actually . . . but unfortunately with clean up that required a session of spackling, sanding, and painting.  Sometimes it’s not easy being green.

This is what I learned from my DIY foosball table assembly:

  1. Before undertaking any project of this magnitude, find your reading glasses.
  2. Organize your resources. If the directions say that you are going to need a flathead screwdriver, track down the screwdriver before you begin.
  3. Don’t be intimidated by technical terms like “Allen wrench.” Google is my friend.
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    All of the necessary hardware

    Lay your hardware out in an organized fashion. Try not to lose or squander resources.

  5. Appreciate clairvoyant hardware-packaging people who include one extra washer and one extra tiny screw. (See #4.)
  6. Rely on previous experience. Washers are provided for a reason.
  7. Some steps are best done collaboratively. It does no good to screw one of four screws in really tightly and then have to back it off to fit the others.
  8. Rely on finished-product pictures that are provided. Foosball is about winning.  Situating all red team members on the defensive end of the playing field creates no offense to win.
  9. Too much zeal during assembly can result in split and broken pieces.
  10. When all 4 pieces split upon application, it might not be about your zeal. It might be about a lesser-quality product. (See #9.)
  11. It’s okay not to ask for help.
  12. You can break a sweat using an Allen wrench.
  13. Just because you don’t ask for help and you strip a screw head doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. (See #11 & #12.)
  14. Having opposable thumbs is fun and highly advantageous.
  15. Being determined is rewarding.
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Nice, huh?

Why I feel so accomplished after assembling a miniature foosball table all by myself is a bit of mystery to me.  And a bit comical.  I think it must have more to do with “finishing something” with only a set of directions and my wits than it does with conquering assembly with an Allen wrench – my new favorite tool, by the way.

I also feel like its assembly honored my loved one who gave it to me.  I must write her a note and thank her for the foosball fun.  Thanks, AW!

The little lesson from this: I can slow down and manage the steps required to meet my end goals.  Life isn’t all about speed.  I think I am intimidated by, and sometimes disappointed in, my own lack of follow-through at times.  I might speed across the finish line, but how many washers, screws, and essential pieces do I deem unnecessary and then discard or lose along the way?

As I was cleaning up my post-assembly mess, I tossed the Allen wrench into the Rubbermaid catch-all under the laundry room sink.  I paused.  And fished it back out.  It is now on my desk to serve as a reminder that I’ve got this.  I can survive taking the time to read directions, even if it makes my stomach wrench (no pun intended.)

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Let’s play!

Am I happy with the results of my efforts?  Yes.  Did I learn something?  Very much yes.  The Boxes of the Unsorted in my living room still beckon to me.  I am now wondering what other lessons await my due diligence.  I will tuck my Allen wrench talisman into my back pocket for luck and will persevere until all is sorted and stored.  Life is good. I’ve got this!

What’s one nice thing a stranger has done for you?

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

What’s the nicest thing a total stranger has done for you?  So many people have done so many nice things for me in my life.  Hmmm . . . I am going to focus on the time frame of Lately to answer this question.

Today I received a reminder email, indicating that I was up against a deadline to take care some financial business.  It involved status verification, updated info, and the like, and I have to be honest and say that this is the sort of stuff that intimidates the heck out of me. Thoroughly disliking the dreaded consequences of unnecessary stress due to the linking of procrastination with deadlines, I went online to take care of it.  I entered the various user names and passwords and opened the various web pages.  One page led to another, and I was beginning to feel befuddled.  Ugh.  All of these confounding questions kept popping up at me from my computer screen — questions for which I knew not the answers.  What to do?

It’s true.  I am form-a-phobic.  If any of you out there understand this, you will know exactly what I mean when I panicked when I saw all of the little boxes to type information into and the little circles for clicking Yes or No.  I saw dollar signs and address requests and more deadlines, and I deferred to my general go-to: I picked up the phone and dialed and prayed for a kind person who would be willing to hold my hand through the entire procedure.

After enunciating Representative for the fourth time, I was transferred to the proper department.  My anticipated wait time?  One minute.  I wondered, One minute?  Is this for real? Is this karma working back in my direction after helping that tourist on the street yesterday find the nearest shop where she could buy underwear?  [Lest you think that she was a wimpy or inexperienced traveler — Just go to the nearest Target, right? — she needed to compensate for her luggage having been lost . . . and what with the shopping options on our lovely little island being quite limited, she was feeling quite challenged in the Undies Procurement Department.]

The minute passed and, sure enough, the absolute nicest representative picked up the phone, established that I was indeed a bonafide account holder, and away we went into Formsville.  I explained to her that, although I graduated from college with honors, I was incapable of passing a multiple-choice test with a passing grade.  I told her that I couldn’t figure out which way to go with the various flow charts that were swimming before me on the screen and asked if she could help me navigate the scary waters.

As I said, she was just so nice to me.  I could hear the smile in her voice and the patience in her choice of words.  Ten minutes later, I had all of the boxes filled and all was clear as to what my next step was.  She told me exactly what to write on the required documentation and to what address it should be mailed.

When it was all done, I felt so happy that I had conquered this chore four weeks ahead of the deadline.  Now?  All I have to do is follow up with a call in about 10 days to ensure that the information arrived at its destination.  I told her how much I appreciated her kindness and that she was very good at her job.  Every now and then we get super lucky when we say the word Representative.  Today was one of those days.

People can be very kind, and I appreciate this representative’s kind demeanor.  Life.  It’s not that hard to offer each other a helping hand.  Be it in the area of underwear consumerism or financial forms, it doesn’t cost us that much more to extend some niceness into the mix.  After my lovely encounter today, I am greatly inspired to extend this same kindness to the next person who asks for some help from me.

How about you?

What’s one nice thing that a stranger has done for you?

[ . . . and one last question . . . Why do we say complete stranger or total stranger?]

 

How big is your Brave?

/ Kennedy Farr / Leave a comment

How big is your Brave?  

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”  She also said, “Do at least one thing every day that scares you.”  Eleanor Roosevelt was not one to ignore our human need to be brave.  Bravery.  It calls to us and it asks us to listen.  And to act.  To do that which intimidates us yet still draws our attention, rallies our inner forces, and knits our talents together.  To simply be who we are and to not worry about what others may say or think.  As my wise, wise sissy tells me, “What another person thinks is none of your business.” Truth, Sis.  This is one of the many reasons I appreciate you.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  Do the thing you think you cannot do.”  I strongly suspect that Eleanor was one heck of an advocate.  I surely would want her on my team.

This song (video below) by Sara Bareilles is inspiring to me.  And it is so sweet, too! Firstly, I very much like the concept/quality/action/trait (I don’t know what to call it) of Bravery.  When I act in Bravery, I am stretched in ways that preclude my ego and encourage me to stand up and take a stand.  For others.  For me.  And for those who don’t have a voice.  When I am Brave, I give myself permission to say or do something that might lead to judgment or reprisal . . . but I say or do it anyway because my moral compass is in the driver’s seat.  Being more of an introvert, afterward, I am always a little surprised and shook up that I took a stand without even really thinking about.  It just felt like the right thing to do.

I also like that the video below chose dancing on a public street to symbolize Brave Expression.  Have you ever danced in public when others are looking at you and saying, “Huh?”  Or have you ever been the first one out on the dance floor?  Or do you dance for the security cameras just because they are there?

See, that’s the thing.  Dancing is one of those forms of personal expression that can be intimidating to a lot of people.  I think this is true because dancing taps into a part of our inner soul and allows it a splashy escape to the outside world.  Very few people think that they, themselves, are amazing dancers.  Am I a fantastic dancer?  No, not really.  Do I love dancing?  Yes!  This is why I don’t want to wait for permission and squander some awesome dance music while waiting for someone else to break the ice and get the party started on the dance floor.  I guess I feel that there is a shortage of live-band, dance-worthy music in my life. . . so, as a rule, I’m not going to miss a single second.  It is so fun to dance!

pencil stubClick on the aqua-blue link below for your free journal download.  It is written with the idea of inspiring Brave in your life.  An action of being Brave provides one of life’s rewards that leaves a shadow of inspiration behind.  It doesn’t feel like it stays for very long, but I think that it does.  I believe that being Brave grows us from a deep part within.

Your Amazing Aqua-Blue Journal Prompt:

Your Brave. journaling prompt

[Print this prompt out, 3-hole punch it, and start your journaling binder.   Take the writing journey and listen . . . you can’t get lost when you are following your own heart.  After all, you are the only one who can hear what it has to say.  The only one.  Relax, read, think, feel, listen, write.  Repeat.  And enjoy the journey.  It is a fine one, and one that is perfectly-made just for you, I promise.  Life is meant to be grown.]

Sara Bareilles – Brave