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There’s no time like Right Now.
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Month: September 2016
The Plate Tectonics of Blame & Regret
I recently took one of those online quizzes that is designed to assess Who You Are and Where You Are At. These were my quiz results: “Your results indicate you must stop blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. Your thoughts and feelings are simply disconnected creating Stuck feelings.”
I like the gentle reminder that these encouraging words impart. And I wonder how many other people received exactly this same message. In other words, do these “results” hold true for everyone on the planet? Or am I the only one who is feeling the disconnect of thoughts and feelings?
You must stop blaming yourself.
This is much easier said than done. There is always going to be some second guessing going on in life that is going to lead you to blame yourself. So many things. A bad decision you made. A time when you zigged when you should have zagged. Words that slipped out of your mouth like thirsty little toads seeking a water source.
A detour that you should have taken instead of charging ahead into those warning signs of danger. A job that you declined. A house that you bought. A health decision you made. A lover you chose. A friend that you trusted. A horse that you bet on.
Self-blame. What is it exactly? Self-assigning responsibility for things that you have said or done doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. After all, I am responsible for my own stuff, right? But blame goes beyond this when you dwell on it, feel horrible about it, and then do nothing about it. It’s okay to give yourself permission to stop blaming yourself when you take thoughtful responsibility and attempt to rectify the wrong that you have committed with compassion and empathy. You can apologize. You can ask for an opportunity to re-frame your thoughts in different words. You can give someone a hug. You can back up and try it all over again. You can ask for a pardon. You can ask if you can try to make it right. You can write a letter. You can bake banana bread. You can be patient and allow the other person time to feel angry or hurt.
And the effects of prolonged self-blame? Prolonged self-blame quickly reduces to an ongoing state of regret. We become mired in our own selfish thoughts of how badly we feel. This, in turn, focuses the original action or words solely on us and robs us of the chance to make it right.
We might blame ourselves for something rash that we did or something foolish that we said . . . but to continue blaming ourselves over and over and over? This is where blame evolves into regret. And it doesn’t take much imagination to understand that regret is joyful living’s natural assassin. Regret robs us of any opportunity to be brave and to do the right thing. There are certainly things that we are responsible for that are tough to make right. But that doesn’t mean that we should stop trying. This is where we call upon our Brave to kick into action. It is a brave soul who can admit that he or she was in the wrong. This is not stuff for sissies.
It’s not your fault.
But isn’t it? Isn’t it my fault? No one held a weapon to my head while I said those hurtful things or made that bad decision. There was no little cartoon devil on my shoulder urging me to max out my credit card buying heels and boots. If it’s not my fault, then whose is it?
Fault is one of those concepts that gets tossed about with little regard. It’s a hungry ghost that rides the backs of air molecules and never really lights. It gets tossed about, bandied about, and argued about. It gets assigned to others in nilly-willy ways and has no substance.
It’s true that if we accept the toss that’s aimed at us and we catch it, fault will linger for a while. And maybe it is our fault to begin with, right? But to carry it about will only lead to us, ultimately, sinking beneath the weight, most often forcing us to toss it to someone else to carry for a while.
Shift happens.
If we are going to talk about the word fault, I prefer to think in geologic terms and plate tectonics. A fault, geologically speaking is a situation where the earth’s crust has been stretched and faulted to the point that rift valleys form. Imagine having two sections of your soul, Blame and Regret, moving relative to each other. This action causes us to become stretched and faulted to the point that rift valleys form in our spirits and souls, creating chasms and pockets that become too dangerous to explore. Dangerous because one never knows when there may be yet another seismic shift between the two relative forces.
Is there a better way to deal with the Plate Tectonics of our soul? Understand that Fault Lines exist. Be a scientist, measure, and plan for catastrophe accordingly. Keep away from the the edge of the plates when possible. Move inland to safer ground. Take a deep breath and hope for stability. Fault. It does no one any good. But it’s there, so be smart. And if shift happens? Channel that energy into something positive.
Your thoughts and feelings are simply disconnected . . .
Well, now. This is something that feels like familiar ground. Nothing newsworthy here.
Yes. My thoughts and feelings become disconnected. This is not an uncommon occurrence. But now what? What’s next? By taking this little quiz, I have implicated myself into wanting to better myself . . . to make my life better. So what’s going to help me to re-connect my thoughts and my feelings? How do I go about planning the big reunion? I think part of the answer is in Un-creating Stuck Feelings.
. . . creating Stuck feelings.
Stuck is as stuck does. Like love, debt, and what shoes to wear today, Stuck-ness is a decision. Making a decision is a mental activity. Making a decision makes the Stuck feelings go away. There is some magic in this . . . magic that involves you feeling inspired to make the decision to be Un-Stuck.
My best self-advice when I am feeling stuck?
Deep breaths. Think. Meditate. Dance. Call a friend. Be mindful. Breathe life’s goodness into my soul. And above all: Try something new. Albert Einstein is famously quoted for saying: Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. He also said, Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.
You can’t stay stuck if you aren’t standing still. Try something new. Say something kind to a stranger. Dance like a goof. Join a marimba band. Say you are sorry and make an action that shows it. Take the risk of making a mistake that, yes, might create even more self-blame and stuck feelings.
Like trying to get the stubborn lid off of a jar when you have wet hands, it ain’t going to happen until you take a moment to dry your hands. Tap the jar lid a few times with a knife. Run some hot water over the metal lid. Get out your handy-dandy Cap Snaffler. Do something. And you’ll get the lid off of the jar and, with any cosmic blessing, you’ll reconnect your thoughts and feelings into a better place and allow yourself to see a kinder reflection when you look around you.
Happy Every Day!
theunseenwordsproject.com
The Things I Thought I Wanted: 64 Crayons with a Sharpener
When I was going to school, I soooooooooo wanted the big box of Crayolas with the built-in sharpener in the back.
As a rule, coming from a big family of small means, we would instead receive a box of 16 or 24 at the beginning of the school year . . . never the coveted 64. I don’t think my parents could have ever known how much I wanted the built-in sharpener feature, as I didn’t feel comfortable pointing out that I had less than what I wanted. I know now, looking back with the eyes and heart of an adult, that my parents were swamped by life’s demands and obligations and were doing the absolute best that they could. They were pretty amazing magicians when it came to keeping everything at home afloat.
I do recall the school year (I was in 5th grade) when my dad gave me a box of 48 crayons . . . the Crayola box that was square and fat and just so jammed with color goodness . . . and I felt like a princess receiving those crayons. I dearly hope that I thanked him in a manner that reflected my appreciation, but I simply can’t remember.
It’s weird how the memory works. I want (hope) to believe that I thanked my parents throughout my childhood repeatedly for these childhood essentials . . . but I’m not sure that I did. Now that I can no longer tell them directly, I want to tell them now. I want to thank them for what they did for all of us . . . demanding that we take advantage of the opportunity to learn and get a good education and also that we learn to play a musical instrument when young. Me? My father was a big fan of Benny Goodman and chose the clarinet as my instrument-of-his-choice.
There were other gifts that came in the form of life lessons: My father used to tell us that if we are mean to someone, we will have to reckon with that same person again at some point in the future so we might as well try to get along. My mother used to laugh at the darn-dest things . . . things that didn’t seem funny to me as a child . . . but now? I can see how she tried to find humor in the oddest of circumstances. She chose to laugh when I now realize that she probably wanted to cry.
All of these life gifts from my parents that definitely surpass and outshine a box of 64 crayons. My life now? My art supply cupboard is full of paints and brushes, gesso and gel, colored pencils and crayons, markers and Sharpies. Truth, I have all of the art supplies I could dream to have. And as for crayons, I keep a jar of 8 crayons (this particular box of crayons being a gift from a loved one . . . thanks AW!) in the kitchen to have at the ready for doodling away that waiting-for-the-water-to-boil time.
And I now know why I have those crayons out and why that box of 8 meant so much to me recently when I received it. It brought back all of those brand-new-school-year memories of knowing that my parents had so little resource to prepare us for the year ahead . . . and yet they made it all work out year after year.
. . . that they somehow prepared me for this thing called Life when I didn’t even realize that is what they were doing at the time. It felt so fraught with randomness and chaos growing up, but maybe there was more of a plan in place that I just couldn’t see. Maybe they, themselves, didn’t know it either. Call it parenting, call it family, call it surviving. I don’t know. I do know that they prepared me to appreciate the finer things in life like receiving a box of 8 crayons and feeling like I am loved, heard, and blessed.
Sunday Morning Mashup
This mashup is perfectly done. These dancers have got some pretty inspiring moves. So Happy Sunday! And get your feet moving! Dancing is good for your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. If you can think of another dimension of health, it’s good for that, too. Promise! Dancing is a great cause of inner happiness that radiates from the inside out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0mzzAeiNPc
Just Say It.
Just say it.
When was the last time you didn’t say something to someone in the moment . . . in real time . . . only to wish later that you would have just given yourself permission to say it?
This seems to be a common experience that we all share. Many of us have been raised with our default set to humility and a sometimes-overrated sense of politesse. It wouldn’t be polite to just say what is on our mind or in our heart because we fear sounding rude or abrupt. We equate graciousness with good manners. We fear a loss of personal dignity if we respond in a truthful manner. We fear rejection. What if someone quit loving us if we just said it? We are taught to paste a smile on and accept someone else’s bad temper, insensitivity, rudeness, or crudeness . . . because it wouldn’t be polite to respond in a manner that might paint us as the bad guy, the rude girl, the jerk, the b#*@h.
We fear this – a negative judgment from another. Well, maybe not all of us. I know several people who just bust a move when it comes to saying something, to self-advocating, to being themselves, to expressing their opinion. All . . . while the rest of us bottle things in and feel badly or beaten up because we did not express our authentic self or because we didn’t have the chutzpah to stop someone from bullying us.
Why don’t we just say it? I am not advocating a thoughtless burst of words that take no account of collateral damage. No one wants to be the belly-acher. The complainer. The person who always belches out opinions-as-gospel-truth. I believe that it is wise to be thoughtful with our words and actions. It is smart to be aware of and develop our emotional intelligence quotient – our EQ – so that our rational brain has a chance to catch up to our amazingly speedy emotional brain and circumvent an emotional hijacking. An emotional hijacking can best be described as our amygdala – the specialist for emotional matters – taking control over what we do and/or say while the neocortex – the rational brain – is still coming to a decision. We all know what it feels like when we have allowed a hijacking to take place . . . those moments when we say, “I can’t believe I actually said that out loud.” Or “I don’t know what came over me.” These moments can have defining consequences.
Still. Remaining pleasantly and politely silent in the face of bullying tactics or plain and simple rudeness or abuse of power has defining consequences, too. I sometimes wonder if it isn’t better to just say it and deal with the aftermath of a hell-acious emotional hijacking only to find that I am kicking myself later for allowing someone else to thoughtlessly tear down my sense of worth or level of contribution or value to society.
I don’t know. This is tricky stuff. We want to be good people who are considerate of others. And there are times when “Just Say It” flies in the face of heroic passivism and turning the other cheek. But is there a way to balance this . . . especially for the introverts of the world who may not be as comfortable speaking up in public or professional situations? Is there a way to self-advocate and feel good about the situation later?
I believe there is a way. I read a quote that really spoke to me at the time, and it has stuck with me these many years later. This is a paraphrase, I believe: “Say the truth, but say it in love.” In other words, go ahead and say it, but know what is fueling your words. Is it anger, jealousy, passive-aggression? Is it a desire for clarity, for setting the other person straight regarding your thoughts, feelings, or intentions? As I write, I realize that this quote is the perfect way to pull back on the yoke and glide out of an emotional hijacking situation. That “just saying it” can be a unifying force. So, speak the truth, but say it in love. Love for the other person. Love for you, yourself. Love for building a better community. Love, love, love.
Johnny Cash
Some Johnny Cash for you today. This song caught my ear a few nights ago, and it has simply traveled with me since I heard it.
Johnny Cash.
Counting
We count the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the years. We count dollars, cents, and credit card balances. We count the number of miles we run or bike, the steps we climb, or the laps we swim. We count calories, carbs, fat grams and the number of pounds we gain or lose. We count. And we count some more.
There are things in life we can’t count. We can’t quantify laughter or tears or the quality of our relationships. We reckon birthdays but we cannot count life. We tally up anniversaries but we cannot count the love we give and we receive. We can enumerate the number of college degrees we earn but we cannot count what we have learned along the way. We can measure the spectrum of wavelengths but we cannot count the number of colors that streak across the sky when we see a sunset or the aurora borealis.
What counts? So simple to say or to to describe or to explain . . . but it’s sometimes so tricky to keep my perspective. Real counting is an intuitive nudge. We know when something is countable when we feel that let-the-bell-toll moment. When life comes together into one brilliant episode of Hugeness.
These moments fill us full with something that we can neither count nor define. Like a bell tolling, the ringing has a roundness that reverberates through us and out into the vastness of the Universe. I consider myself lucky to have experienced such moments. They remind me to stop counting stuff and to start counting — to start making a difference — as a human being
Life. Memories. Experiences. Hugs. Encouragement. True love. Music. Integrity. Contributing. Growing. So many things that I cannot count. So many.
Making Change
Making change. Eleanor Roosevelt wrote in You Learn by Living: “Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don’t be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticizing you. The chances are that they aren’t paying any attention to you. It’s your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time then you’ll just have to try harder the second time. After all, there’s no real reason why you should fail. Just stop thinking about yourself.” In other words, Just Do It.
A few things that keep me focused while flowing with change:
- As Eleanor says: Just stop thinking about yourself.
- Let your history of reward and success encourage you. Remember a time when you tried something new or different or risky . . . and it really felt great while in the process or it, ultimately, led to a really fun outcome.
- Surround yourself with quotes that inspire you to be bold. Words are powerful.
- Tape up index cards with the definitions of words like courage, brave, risk, happiness, wealth. It is always good to see such large, sometimes seemingly unattainable, words defined into smaller, simpler parts.
- Write about the journey. It secures what you are experiencing to your heart and emboldens you.
- Be happy. Tell your family and friends how happy you are while you are flowing with change.
- Don’t think outside the box. There is no box. Let yourself slip into flow mode.
- Seek the company of generous people who are happy that you are happy. Stay away from naysayers who don’t share your happiness or who feel threatened by your vision.
- When in doubt and you feel you are at a crossroads, flip a coin. By the time the coin lands you will know what you want. This works. If you still feel uncertain after seeing that head or tail or if you find yourself flipping the coin again for 2 out of 3, you will know what your preference is. Go with it and trust yourself.
- Extend love to others. It is always returned and it will guide you as you make change.
- Dissolve fear. Give it the gamma rays and zap it. Let it go. Silence it. Replace fear with trust.
- Pay attention. Always pay attention.
- Think affirmation rather than negation.
- Believe in CAN.
Eleanor also wrote: “Surely, in the light of history, it is more intelligent to hope rather than to fear, to try rather than not to try. For one thing we know beyond all doubt: Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’”
It can be done. And it will be done if you allow yourself the freedom of choice to make change. Follow the change. Enjoy the change. Be the change.
Nothing that I have written here is new. It has been spoken, written, repeated, and recorded throughout the ages. It has been sermonized and it has been put into song. Repetition of platitudes is not the best teacher. Experience is. Embracing life is. Taking the first step is.
But I somehow seem to need the reminders. And it is empowering to foresee possibility and then feel the zing that coincides believing and knowing deep deep inside. But it involves taking a ride, sometimes on the wild and brave side, to get to the good stuff. Achieving is fantastic, but taking the ride is the true experience. Taking the ride is the change.
The Kind of Stuff You Don’t Hang on the Wall
Stuff that Works . . . This is a GREAT song by Guy Clark. It inspires me to appreciate the “stuff that works” in my life . . . “the kind of stuff you don’t hang on the wall.” Take a listen. It is a really beautiful song.
I read a great affirmation yesterday: “Where there is light there are shadows.”
Living in the Pacific Northwest, we experience a lot of gray days. The sort of days where the horizon line blurs the sky and water into one waterscape. On these days, there are no shadows and there is an etheral feel to the day — akin to floating. The lack of contrast lends itself to getting lost in daydreams. Some find these days extraordinarily gloomy. Drizzle, fog, and low-hanging clouds cast a mood of Waiting. Waiting for the sun to return. When we do get a blue day and the sun is shining, the shadows emerge as well.
It sometimes feels as if the times that have made me the happiest have also cast the darkest shadows. The brightness creates an awareness that life is both awesome and fragile.
Living in the Pacific Northwest, the clouds can, and most likely will, soon return and obscure the sunlight. As I put things into perspective each morning, afternoon, and night, this song reminds me of the truly important things . . . the stuff that works. And there is a LOT of stuff that does work.
So today? I am focusing on the stuff that works.
The Unseen Words Project 